Stories

Today I want to talk about stories. Similar to the way a thought pattern can get stronger and more ingrained the more we engage in it, the stories we tell ourselves over and over again can easily become what feels like truth if we let them. This can happen without our even being aware of it-that’s why it often takes another person listening to us to identify a potential discrepancy between a story we tell about ourself and the actual truth (and why so much important thought-challenging and story retelling happens in the therapy room, too!). As humans, we can change all the time-sometimes in subtle ways, sometimes in ways that are more major-but somehow, we often forget to update our stories about ourselves as we change. And this really doesn’t serve us-it keeps us stuck in the past, in an older version of ourselves that might no longer be who we are, or who we want to be. 

For example, I got engaged last weekend-and the level of disbelief I felt made me aware that I had a story in my head about never getting married. Even after I was lucky enough to find a great partner, even though we talked about marriage. I didn’t realize how adamantly I’d told myself that this would never happen to me-and over time, that story became what felt like truth to me (even though I didn’t want it to be true!). There are other examples, too. Ten years ago, I told myself I would never find freedom around food, never find joy in movement. Three years ago, part of my story was that I’d never have the courage to go into private practice. All of these thoughts and beliefs-which turned into stories-needed to be updated, because over time, they no longer reflected my reality and where I really was. Sometimes I realized this for myself-and sometimes it was only when a loved one or therapist pointed it out to me. I had outgrown these stories, these beliefs—they just didn’t fit anymore.

We stay stuck in outdated stories for a few reasons—sometimes it’s out of fear, because we are too afraid to hope or wish for what we want from life, in case we don’t get it and the pain is unbearable. Sometimes the fear is that we don’t feel ready to tell a new story—we’re scared of what it might mean. Sometimes it’s out of pure stubbornness, if we wanted our old story to be true. It’s worth remembering that it can take time to update a story-especially if we’ve been telling it for years. Usually, though, updating our story results in a more authentic connection to ourselves. 

Be mindful of the stories you tell about yourselves, folx! Particularly those rooted in black-and-white thinking—these ones usually have a ‘never’ or ‘always’ in them. Stories are powerful. Maybe you have some that would benefit from a good update, too.