Black Lives Matter.

What an historic, eye-opening, heart-opening, grief-and-rage-filled week it’s been. It’s felt like much, much longer than a week to me—obviously in part because the issues we are protesting right now are ongoing and have been happening, sadly, and totally unacceptably, for hundreds of years.

It’s been a week full of dualities, too.

Spending more time in silence, and also using my voice to protest, to sign petitions, to start difficult conversations and lean into them even as they get really uncomfortable on both sides.

Simultaneously learning so much and unlearning so much, too—reading, listening to podcasts, committing to seeking out voices of Black, Indigenous and People of Color that aren’t heard or amplified enough on a regular basis. Examining what’s taught, what’s fed to us in our educational system and the versions of history we are required to learn—and what’s left out (which is so much more than I ever realized before).

Sitting in shame, guilt, sadness, anger, frustration, grief and discomfort, and recognizing where it’s appropriate to air those feelings (and to whom!), and when that action might center me too much, taking attention away from the issues and people whose reactions and feelings matter most right now.

Appreciating what I’ve learned so far, and realizing how much more I have to explore and unpack in anti-racist work.

Feeling hopeful about the sociopolitical changes that are happening, and completely daunted by how much more needs to change.

Feeling like supporting eating disorder recovery for my clients isn’t ‘enough’—and also knowing that fighting eating disorders and diet culture is also fighting White supremacy, the patriarchy and other unfair systems of power and oppression designed to keep us distracted from what really matters in this world.

Dualities are exhausting to hold. And yet of course my exhaustion, my anger and sadness is the smallest, most insignificant drop in the bucket compared to what oppressed people experience every day. I’ve felt more humbled than ever before this past week, rightfully so. 

I’m not listing these actions out in order to receive praise, by the way—there is far too much of that virtue signaling and optical allyship happening in online spaces right now. I’m just trying to reflect on my place in all of this, committing to using my voice, power and privilege more intentionally than I have been, on and off social media and this blog. To hold myself accountable to doing the absolutely critical work of anti-racism, in my professional and personal lives.

So if my social media space looks a bit quieter than usual moving forward, this is why. There are so many voices out there that need to be heard right now—I’m committing to listening harder and amplifying them more often than I have been, in the ways I can.