Acceptance is a Process and a Practice, Not Just an Outcome

I’ve written about this before, with respect to finding balance, and I think the same sentiments apply here. As humans, we spend so much time fighting our intense, uncomfortable feelings, thoughts and tendencies, instead of approaching them with curiosity and openness. We spend so much of our energy and attention (which, like time, are finite resources, by the way) on these efforts to avoid our feelings, our messier parts. The cost of all of these efforts can be pretty huge, too—but that’s another post for another time.

It makes so much sense that we do this, even if it ultimately hurts us to spend so much effort, so many of our most valuable resources, on running away, on fighting. ‘Acceptance’ isn’t something most of us are excited to try instead, even if we’re fully aware of the high cost of our avoidance behaviors. This makes sense, too, particularly given our Capitalist culture which puts so much emphasis on effort and productivity, and so little emphasis on our inherent value as humans. And when I say acceptance, I don’t mean resigning yourself to one feeling, one thought, one behavior forever, giving up any ideas of change or shifting. I think of acceptance more as allowing, really—allowing our intense, uncomfortable, messy feelings in, sitting with them, letting them be with us, without engaging in all of this effort to avoid them. Teaching ourselves, ultimately, that we don’t actually fall to pieces when we practice this, though it often feels like we might. Giving ourselves the gift of knowing that we can handle some allowing of hard things, and that often, this actually allows the feelings to release sooner, makes us less likely to reach for an avoidance behavior because suddenly we no longer need it.

Accepting and allowing is a practice, though—it’s a skill, not just a value. Just like balance, it isn’t something we can just obtain and not have to think about again. We have to put our resources towards it—our time and energy, our attention—and we need to keep practicing over and over again. Turning towards our feelings, instead of away. Allowing our harsh thoughts and stories to bubble up, without attaching too much meaning to them (more on that later). Trusting that the intensity of our feelings won’t swallow us up and leave us in a puddle forever—that we will come out of our acceptance practice eventually, like a yoga pose, maybe tired, maybe feeling quite wobbly, but still there nonetheless.
We will get stronger and more adept at practicing acceptance—over time and with practice, as long as we keep doing it. So if you’re at the beginning, keep going—it will get easier and more comfortable as you go on.